Navigating a Not-So-Happy Thanksgiving After Loss
- Coach Amy, Grief Support & ME Coach
- 20 hours ago
- 4 min read
Updated: 2 hours ago
(Part of the Not-So-Happy Holidays Series from ME Wellness Coaching)
Let’s be honest: the holidays can be brutal when you’re grieving. Thanksgiving especially comes wrapped in this big, sparkly expectation of warmth, togetherness, and “family time”… and meanwhile you’re thinking:
“Together? Really? Are we sure about that?”
Because when someone you love is missing, the day hits differently. It’s not exactly a Hallmark moment — it’s more like emotional Jenga.
So here’s a kinder, more realistic way to approach the holiday — with compassion, honesty, and maybe a little humor to help you breathe.
Why Thanksgiving Hurts So Much
People love to say, “Isn’t it great we’re all together this year?”And in your head you’re thinking, “Actually… no. We’re not.”
Loss changes everything — the person who’s missing, the traditions that fell apart, the place you don’t go anymore, the family dynamics that shifted (or exploded… it happens).
These are secondary losses, and they pile up quickly.
So the real starting point? What do YOU need this year? Not what people expect. Not what you used to do. Just… you.
Please Take the Pressure Off
A lot of people say, “Well, I should do ___ for Thanksgiving.” Nope. Not this year.
There is no should when you’re grieving.
If traditions bring comfort — keep them.
If being alone feels safe — do it.
If you want to cancel Thanksgiving completely — congratulations, you absolutely can.
Nothing catastrophic happens when you cancel Thanksgiving. It’s literally just Thursday. And it will show up again next year, right on schedule.
Your only job is to make choices that help you breathe, not break.
The Dreaded Question: “So, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?”
Is there anything more awkward when you’re grieving? It’s like people are asking for your emotional itinerary.
Here are some ready-to-use responses:
Quick & vague:
“Keeping it low-key.”
“Still figuring it out.”
“Taking this one off.”
Honest-ish:
“It’s been a tough year, keeping things small.”
“Doing what feels right for me this time.”
Full truth (if you’re up for it):
“I had a loss this year, so it’s a hard holiday.”
“I’m honoring my grief and doing things differently.”
And then get ready for the pity invite. Which sometimes can be a nice surprise and if you are feeling up for it: Pity invite accepted! But remember: No is a complete sentence. You can decline without explanation.
Use these same phrases when you get the other dreaded question, How was your Thanksgiving?
The Day Of: Protect Your Heart
People often worry:“What if I cry at dinner?”
Then you cry at dinner. It’s okay. Tears aren’t a problem — they’re proof of love.
It can be helpful to honor your grief with intent, in the morning before the day gets started. Your grief often needs a private moment. Here are a few gentle ways to honor your loved one:
Take a peaceful walk
Visit a meaningful place
Light a candle
Make their favorite dish (tell people or keep it your secret)
If you’re not going anywhere? Order pizza. Eat a frozen dinner. Watch movies. Binge TV. Online shop like you’re single-handedly supporting the economy.
There is no one right way to do Thanksgiving.
If you do go to a gathering, have an exit strategy. Drive yourself. Stay an hour. Leave whenever your heart says, “Nope, I’m done.”
And if someone says, “Let’s go around and share what we’re grateful for!”
You can absolutely say: “I’m going to pass.”or “My loved one died this year. Gratitude is… a work in progress. I hope to feel it soon.”
The Post-Thanksgiving Social Media Spiral
The day after, you’ll probably scroll. You’ll see beautiful, glowing family pictures. Everyone looks so happy. So connected. So… staged.
Please remember: It's a moment. It may not even be real. Every family has something going on behind the scenes.
Instead of comparing, take care of yourself:
Go for a walk
Get a coffee
Go to a bookstore
Meet a friend
Make something
Rest as much as you need
Later, maybe jot down anything that went well or brought you peace. Or just… not terrible. Those moments matter, and they help shape future holidays in gentler ways.
Final Thoughts
You are not doing Thanksgiving wrong. You are grieving — and that’s allowed.
Your feelings are valid. Your choices are valid. Your boundaries are valid.
It is okay to feel whatever you feel, even when you have moments of joy, peace, and fun. Guess what? you get to feel that too. And you will, even if it is not today.
Over time, your holidays will shift and reshape themselves around who you are now, and who you’re becoming. Take it one breath at a time.
You’re doing beautifully — even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Here are 2 other suggestions that were formed by our coaches.
💛 If you have clothes of your loved one. Have your family go through them with you, and everyone gets to pick a shirt to wear. Then take a photo. It may be the Holiday Card this year!!
💛 In the morning of a holiday discuss with your family how you are feeling, acknowledge their feelings around their own grief or how they have been supporting yours, remind everyone that this holiday season is going to be hard, that we are all trying our best, and remember to give each other grace throughout the day.
Say out loud, "This holiday is not going to be the same." This can set the tone for a day of understanding and reduce the pressure of having a "perfect" holiday.
If you have any questions, contact me at: coach@mewellnesscoaching.com
And if you need support, or just want to talk to someone who understands grief, you can book a session with our grief support coach using the link below.
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